Sample Platter - Journal Entry - Heero Yuy (Gundam Wing)
If someone asked me about it, there would be nothing I could factually report about Christmas and its religious significance. Just that it is significant. Even when it is not religious. But I've only just learned that, this season. I'm sure I've been here before in past years, but I can't ever remember. Everyone on Earth has to know what today, what tomorrow is. Last year, maybe I didn't know. But today, I do. Right now, right in this moment, I wish it was the only thing I knew. If I concentrate on it hard enough, it might be enough to fill up my head. It's so beautiful outside. If every day was Christmas Eve in the city, I don't know that war would ever happen. For the first time in my life, I might know what it feels like to be in love. I love this city, today. I love it tomorrow, which will be Sunday and Christmas Day.

I thought I wanted to disappear forever. I don't know how to keep company and if this was one year ago, I would have said that I never wanted to. If there was anyone to talk to - really talk to, not just wish a good morning to - I probably wouldn't say anything. But I've been thinking like this for weeks now. Maybe if I write it down, it can make room for something else in my brain. There are so many other things I want to be able to think of. That I've never been able to think of before now.

Yesterday, there was a clerk at the front desk who handed me an envelope. It was pink. There was a card in it. That was white, but it was ripped down the crease and said its sender had done me the favour of already being torn so I wouldn't have to go throug the trouble. An invitation to a New Year's Eve party. (Do people have parties for everything?) From Relena.

Relena. God. She's relentless. Part of her name is in the word. I...don't know how to feel towards her. When she's not around, I never do. When she was around, I wished she wasn't. I used to think that I might miss her, but I don't think that very often anymore. I have not actually thought of her until now. No, that's a lie. I thought of her when I saw the big Christmas tree in the town square. It looked like something she might have, right now. If I go to her party, and I won't say for sure that I will, I hope she'll still have it up. I want to know if it compares. (I doubt it does.) I...suppose I have no choice in the matter, though, do I? If I don't go, she'll come looking for me. Disappearing has been nice, if not just because of that. I see her face, hear her voice on huge screens almost every day and that's more than enough. She's been busy, I guess. She's not queen of the world anymore, but she still has a full plate. That's the only reason I haven't seen her, in person, in so long. I bet it drives her crazy. Would it, still? Of course it would.

I don't know why she was ever queen of anything.

If I don't come to her party, she'll find me. I think I want to stay hidden. I don't want to wake up to look out my window and see her pulling up in that bullshit car. Of which I'm sure is one of at least a hundred. I hate the car more than I hate her. When I feel like bothering with hating her at all. Sometimes I can't. Mostly I don't. (I don't know where I would be if I started hating those who do good.) By all rights and reason, she shouldn't be where she is. Shouldn't be doing the good she's doing. And it's a hell of a lot of good. Said once that it was because of me. I don't think that at all. A bunch of things happened because of me, I know. But she did all this on her own. I think she should keep doing it on her own, too.

I wonder how she would react if I told her I was in love, and not with her.

I won't really say that to her. I won't say much of anything, unless I have to. Wish I didn't have to go. Can't imagine who else she's inviting. Hope she doesn't think we'll be there together. Don't know if she can afford to do that, anymore, being the Prime Minister of Everything or whatever it is now. How she was before...it's not right for a public figure. If I could thank a God for this, I would. Even if I weren't the target, I might still be embarrassed for her.

This cafe is closing soon, but the lady behind the counter is packing me up a box of frosting, sprinkle, and sugar-covered cakes and things. Says I look like I could use a little Christmas cheer. Told her the coffee was enough, but she won't hear it. She says a boy like me shouldn't be alone tonight, but I'm welcome to finish what I'm writing before I go home to my family because whatever it is, it must be important since I've been staring at the screen all night. (Have I? Maybe so.) She has a nice smile.

Outside, it's starting to snow again. Good thing, the last batch was starting to turn dark and dirty. But this is new and fresh. If I knew how, I would go ice skating tonight. Maybe I will go tomorrow, anyway. I do think I'll go see the Christmas tree again. It's on my way and they can't have turned out the lights just yet.